If you’re a fitness fan, you’re familiar with literal boundaries: There’s the starting line and finishing line of a race, the rectangle of your yoga mat, and the 50-foot-long pool where you do your daily laps. But mental boundaries are just as important as physical boundaries, says clinical psychologist and author Carla Marie Manly, Ph.D.
“Boundaries are the emotional, mental, and physical ‘fences’ that we erect to protect and maintain our psychological and physical needs, says Dr. Manly. Boundary setting has been a hot topic in the mental health space for the last few years, but whether you're new to the practice or an old pro, it’s worth refreshing your knowledge every so often.
While some “fences” in the outside world are rigid (think: a brick wall), Dr. Manly says that the best interpersonal fences are a little more pliant. “In general, healthy boundaries are appropriately flexible to a situation—they are more porous in healthy intimate relationships and firmer with those who do not have good boundaries and, in general, firm with the outside world,” she says. “Those with overly porous or overly rigid boundaries tend to have difficulty in their interpersonal relationships due to the absence of healthy boundaries.”
When you find the sweet spot, boundary-setting has many benefits, including better self-worth and self-esteem, a sense of personal empowerment, and fewer interpersonal conflicts. “When we make our boundaries clear to others, we’re far less likely to get pressured or overrun,” says Dr. Manly.
The 5 types of boundaries to start setting today
According to Dr. Manly, there are five “types” of boundaries you can start working with today. “In general, it’s wise to have boundaries in place to protect our mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual health. When we protect ourselves in these key areas—making sure that we have solid boundaries in place to protect ourselves—we tend to reduce unnecessary stress in our lives,” she says.
One example of a mental health boundary is blocking out lunchtime in your calendar so that no one schedules meetings during that time. Or, if you’re trying to protect your physical health, you can ask your partner to watch the kids a couple of days a week so that you can go to the gym.
3 Tips for setting boundaries that stick
1. Say “no” more often
“A polite ‘no’ response is an example of a boundary that can be used to protect mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual health,” says Dr. Manly. “When we learn to say ‘no’ to requests or suggestions that don’t feel appropriate or beneficial, we take a massive step toward greater well-being.”
At first, a blunt “no” may send you straight out of your comfort zone, but over time you’ll realize that the people who are most important to you will support the fences you’re building.
“Although many people fear that they won’t be liked, loved, or accepted when they set healthy boundaries, those who truly care about us will be happy—if sometimes disappointed—to honor boundaries that support our overall well-being,” says Dr. Manly.
2. Keep your boundaries fluid
According to Dr. Manly, the best boundaries evolve as you do. “A truly healthy boundary-setting practice is fluid and appropriate to the situation,” she says. “Although rigid boundaries are surely appropriate in difficult or threatening situations, healthy boundaries adjust to allow trustworthy people close while keeping those with too-porous or too-rigid boundaries a safe distance away.”
Let’s say, for example, that you’ve set a boundary that Sunday nights are only for restorative activities like yoga, meditation, and massage. Then, an opportunity to see a concert with friends comes up. It’s okay to set those specific boundaries aside for one night so you can enjoy yourself.
3. At the same time, don’t roll back your boundaries because you feel guilty
That said, you should never walk back your boundaries simply because someone is guilt-tripping you. “Some people confuse setting firm boundaries with being rude or highly aggressive. However, boundary-setting at its best is done in a straightforward, assertive, and always-respectful way,” says Dr. Manly.