You need both self-discipline and self-compassion to achieve your goals, experts say. Here’s how to fine-tune this balance.
Self-discipline is essential to experience growth and self-improvement. While training for a marathon, for instance, you need to stick with a consistent running program — even if that means waking up before sunrise or squeezing miles in at lunchtime. To build up to 200-lb. deadlift, you need to lift multiple times a week and prioritize certain nutrients in your diet, even at brunch with friends.
But without self-compassion, you may not get very far in your journey; you may end up ignoring internal cues to take a rest day or beating yourself up when you’re not performing at your peak, both of which can impact your performance and well-being in the long run.
So, how do you strike a healthy balance between the two? Here’s what experts want you to know.
Self-Discipline and Self-Compassion, Explained
Put simply, “self-discipline is the motivation to be able to achieve the goals that you set or get the tasks that you have in front of you done,” says Lennie Waite, Ph.D., C.M.P.C., a sport psychology consultant and former Olympic athlete based in Houston. “Self-compassion is just that ability to recognize what you're doing is really hard, to give yourself pats on the back when you fail, and to just be able to recognize the flaws of being a human.”
Essentially, self-compassion is acceptance — a term high-achievers often interpret as “giving up,” adds Caroline Silby, Ph.D., a sport psychology consultant for the U.S. Figure Skating National Team and other organizations. But in reality, acceptance is seeing the obstacles or failures in front of you without judgment, she adds. “Acceptance is the pre-condition for growth and change,” says Silby. “Without acceptance, we cannot tap into our hunger for more or challenge ourselves.”
That is, no matter how disciplined and determined you are, you may not achieve your goal without self-compassion.
The Problem with Excessive Self-Discipline
Though self-discipline is beneficial, athletes with high levels of it often have a high achievement-striving personality, a combination that can set them up for burnout, says Waite. “If you're high on both of those [qualities], you're going to push, and if you fail, you're just going to push more,” she explains. “It’s harder for those people who are high on both of those traits to think, ‘Maybe I just need to have a rest day, take a step back and reevaluate, allow my body to recover from this illness or this injury, or recognize that maybe my daughter has a crazy week and I have to be there to support her.’”
At its core, burnout is the accumulation of stress, and it can lead to physical and psychological side effects. Without enough self-compassion as you laboriously work toward a lofty goal of, say, competing in an Ironman, you might have trouble sleeping, experience digestive issues, and feel emotionally on edge, says Waite.
The desire to be perfect throughout your training experience also comes into play. “The perfectionist who quickly attacks themselves for perceived flaws or missed expectations inadvertently makes themselves both the attacker and the attacked and increases the production of cortisol (i.e., stress hormone),” adds Silby. “Athletes with extreme perfectionism may even beat themselves up for experiencing ‘imperfect’ feelings like frustration, anger, isolation, and even perfectionism. This self-attacking puts the athlete in a constant state of stress, often making them rigid, inflexible, and ultimately fueling high anxiety.”
In the long run, having too much self-discipline can contribute to mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression, according to the experts. Not to mention, consistently skipping recovery days and training at a high level in the name of self-discipline may ultimately hinder your performance and increase your risk of injury.
So, how can you tell if you could use a more compassionate approach to your training? If you’re constantly thinking about your workouts and your dedication is beginning to impact your relationships (think: your friends say you’re not as fun as you used to be), you may want to rethink your high-discipline strategy, says Waite.
The same recommendation applies if your training simply isn’t fun anymore. “For the individual to sit back and actually think, ‘I embarked on this as something challenging but also something rewarding and fun, and it's no longer there’ — I feel like that's a huge sign [you need more compassion],” she explains. “Unless your job is your sport, then there should be an element of enjoyment and fun in it. That should be the core driver.”
How to Practice More Self-Compassion
As you work to create space for self-compassion, Silby suggests trying your best to avoid “all-or-nothing” thinking (e.g., if I skip my run to do yoga today, I’ll never be able to win my Turkey Trot). Instead, “if you gave up or avoided something yesterday, today choose to adapt, adjust, and work with discomfort,” she adds.
It’s also important to maintain a sense of personal autonomy and an internal locus of control, adds Silby. In other words, believe that you have control over your own actions and outcomes. “Individuals with a higher internal locus of control demonstrate higher psychological well-being, increased life satisfaction, greater positive emotions, and less negative emotions,” she explains. “When locus of control is externalized and autonomy [is] diminished, athletes may respond with higher levels of intensity, commitment, and focus, very often resulting in overtraining and under-performance — both associated with depression."
As you plan your week of training, Waite suggests asking yourself: Have I built in rest? Where do I have competing goals? If needed, schedule those recovery days and figure out where you’re going to devote your energy. “With clients, I often see they have this goal to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon, they have a sales target at work, and they also have a goal to be at all of their children's sporting events,” she says. “I just have to point out, like, something's got to give — you can't be everywhere and do everything. I don't want to tell you to throw away your goals, but realistically, address the barriers and think about how you're going to overcome them.”
You may also want to work with a sports coach. An independent sounding board, they can encourage you to, when needed, take a step back in your training so you’re able to take two steps toward your aspirations, says Waite. Or, consider speaking with a mental health professional, which can be particularly valuable if you feel your self-discipline is leading you to question your self-worth or is taking up too much brain space, she says.
“Some qualities traditionally associated with success — for example, pushing harder even when it leads to injury, burnout, or overtraining — can interfere with performance and leave individuals prone to stress, anxiety, and depression,” adds Silby. “If an athlete is experiencing stress, lack of enjoyment, lack of fulfillment, and/or burnout, it may be time to speak with a professional.”