Psychologist, professor, and "Platonic" author Marisa Franco explains why it can feel so difficult to make friends as an adult. But it doesn’t have to be.
As a kid, making friends could be as easy as knocking on a neighbor’s door and asking if they could come out and play or sitting next to someone on the bus. School, playgrounds, and sports teams created opportunities primed for bonding.
As adults, making friends can feel tricker — especially now that more people work remotely. Many folks have lost the ability to chit-chat around the coffee machine and now know their coworkers only from the shoulders up on Zoom.
Although it can be challenging to form these connections in adulthood, research has made it clear that friendships are important — for everyone. (Yes, even people who refer to their partner as their “best friend.”) Having friends is linked to life satisfaction, happiness, and longevity. Part of the reason why friendships can lead to a longer life is because they strengthen the immune system, says Marisa Franco, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of "Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep Friendships." “One study found that when exposed to the common cold, people with a diverse network of connections (aka a lot of friends) were less likely to get sick than people who had a less diverse social network,” says Franco.
Scientific studies can show you more than why friendships are valuable; they can also teach you how to make friendships and keep them strong. Keep reading to dig into the science with Franco. It just might add years to your life.
Science-Backed Ways to Make Friends
According to Franco, the main reason why people find it so hard to make friends as an adult is that they’re worried they are going to be judged or rejected. The good news: People aren’t as critical as you may think. Science shows that most people underestimate how much others like them, a phenomenon called the “liking gap.” With this in mind, Franco says that if you want to make friends as an adult, go into conversations and interactions with the confidence that most people are going to like you, not negatively judge you.
This brings up the next important element of making friends: It takes action. “[Many people] think that friendships happen organically, but they don’t,” says Franco. To make friends, she emphasizes, you have to put yourself out there. One of the best ways to make friends is finding ways to be around the same people on a regular basis, she adds.
As a kid, this happened naturally at school. As adults, this could mean joining a club related to your interests or volunteering. Workout classes can also be a great way to make new friends, says Franco. If you start seeing the same person every week at your Mat Pilates or Precision Run class, strike up a conversation with them before or after the workout, starting by simply introducing yourself and asking how long they’ve been coming to the Club.
Maybe there are people you used to be friends with, but the relationships faded over time. Dr. Franco says that science also shows that reaching out to old friends can benefit your mental health. A 2022 scientific study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that unexpected phone calls, texts, and emails about simply wanting to catch up were appreciated more than the person who sent the message thought they would be. So if you miss an ex-friend, take this as a sign to reach out. It’s not too late to revive the friendship.
How to Keep Your Friendships Strong
Much like making friends, maintaining friendships typically doesn’t just “happen” — it takes serious effort. One reason why friendships end prematurely is due to self-sabotage. This is where knowing your attachment style comes into play, something Franco says is key for making and maintaining healthy friendships.
Attachment styles are different ways of interacting and behaving in relationships, largely shaped by early childhood experiences. There are three different attachment styles: secure attachment (linked to having secure, lasting relationships), anxious attachment (linked to difficulty forming relationships, including friendships), and avoidant attachment (linked to being hesitant to open up or invest emotionally in relationships). “Our attachment style is the unconscious template that we impose on our relationships,” says Franco.
Having an anxious or avoidant attachment style can damage relationships because it can cause you to believe things that aren’t true, says Franco. Say a friend doesn’t text you back for two days. Someone with an anxious or avoidant attachment may believe the friend did it on purpose because they’re mad at them, but in reality, the person might have simply forgotten. Small misunderstandings like this can wreck your relationships.
So what’s the fix? First, Franco says it’s important to know your attachment style so you can better understand your thought process and emotions. (You can do this by taking an online quiz or chatting with a therapist.) “Understanding behaviors is the key to changing them,” says Franco. Often, this isn’t easy, which is why working with a therapist can come in handy.
The other key to maintaining healthy friendships is knowing how to have healthy conflict, Franco adds; so many friendships end because of an unwillingness to have an uncomfortable conversation when one person is mad or upset, she says. “We often hold people guilty before giving them a trial,” she says. If a friend upsets you and you value that friendship, science shows that the best way to handle it is by using “I” statements and communicating how you feel directly and kindly.
Of course, not all friendships last forever, and Franco says that’s 100 percent natural and okay; those friendships serve a purpose, too. “Scientific studies show that every seven years, we lose about half our friends,” she says. “We can’t judge the value of the friendship by how long it lasts. You can still have gotten a lot out of a friendship during a specific period of time even if you aren’t getting something out of it now.”
Simply believing the best in yourself and others goes a long way in making friends, whether the relationship is for a season or a lifetime. So stop worrying about being prematurely judged and introduce yourself to someone you’ve seen around the Club every time you go. And when they say it was great meeting you, trust them!