Find out what’s important to have in common, according to science and relationship experts.
The idea that opposites attract is ingrained in pop culture, from Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” to Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. Maybe you’ve seen it play out in your own life: Your loud, outgoing friend fell for someone more bookish and introverted. Or your fitness-obsessed buddy from your Cycle Beats class has a partner who’s a regular at Shake Shack and would never set foot in the Club. It can work, right?
It’s something a team of researchers based in the U.K. set to figure out: Are couples more likely to be similar to each other or opposites?
Taking into consideration 199 peer-reviewed studies and information on more than 8.5 million people, the researchers found that couples are actually a lot alike, according to the data published last August. Accounting for more than 133 different traits, they found that couples typically have up to 89 percent of qualities in common (think: education level, how much alcohol they drink, political views, and level of introversion and extroversion). It turns out opposites don’t attract as much as we may think.
For more insight, Equinox+ asked a professional matchmaker and a relationship therapist for their thoughts on the recipe for a successful relationship. What’s valuable to have in common, and where is it okay to differ? What they have to say — and taking into consideration the scientific findings — may surprise you.
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What Causes Attraction?
Relationship therapist Deborah Hecker, Ph.D., says she is not at all surprised by the study’s findings that couples are strikingly similar to each other. She points out that dating apps are set up in a way that caters to similarities. It makes sense when you think about it: When looking over someone’s profile, it’s natural to look for similarities before sending a message — even ones that aren’t that deep, like both liking TexMex or having photos of dogs in your profiles. Often, Hecker says, similarities are what two people initially bond over. This continues as you get to know a person more, she adds. Many people see someone sharing their same religious or political beliefs, for example, as a green flag.
However, Hecker says there is more than shared interests that draw people together. Physical attraction does, too. When you find someone attractive, a chemical reaction occurs, she explains. “A neurotransmitter called dopamine lights up the brain’s reward system, resulting in a euphoric state,” she says. “Another neurotransmitter called oxytocin is also released, and this can cause us to trust people that we might not normally trust; it’s often referred to as a bonding neurotransmitter.”
With all of this in mind, sometimes common interests can serve as a spark, while other times the crush may be due to shared physical attraction. In either case, a relationship grows by learning more about each other, including what you have — and don’t have — in common. The 2023 study took into account a wide, wide range of traits. A run-down of a few: how prone someone is to depression, how old they were when they lost their virginity, how often they work out, and even if they were breastfed as a baby. The big question: What really matters, and what doesn’t?
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What’s Important to Have in Common with Your Partner — and the Differences That Are Actually Good
Dating expert and matchmaker Devyn Simone says that what’s most important to have in common with your partner is a shared vision of the future. This, she says, includes things like how much each person in the relationship wants to travel, how they want to raise their kids (including if they want them in the first place), and what their financial savings goals are. “If one person wants to travel the world while the other person’s goal is to invest their time and money into creating a home, it isn’t going to work,” she says.
Simone explains that one’s values and core beliefs naturally come into play when it comes to one’s vision for the future. For example, if someone’s religion is of great importance to them, they may spend their Sunday mornings (current and future) at their place of worship while someone else may be bowing down to a plate of pancakes at brunch.
Having a shared vision, Simone says, is much more essential than having shared hobbies, personality traits, and even racial or economic backgrounds. “How we grew up, where we came from, and our cultural values shape our perspectives. But they do not define the relationship at all. It’s not the sole determinant of who we are,” she says. In fact, Simone says that people with different backgrounds are in relationships now more than ever before because they met on apps, as opposed to meeting at a place of worship or college — two places couples often met before apps took over.
How we grew up, where we came from, and our cultural values shape our perspectives. But they do not define the relationship at all. It’s not the sole determinant of who we are.
Both Simone and Hecker say that some differences can actually make a relationship stronger. For example, an extrovert can help bring an introvert out of their shell more, opening them up to new experiences they may not have considered doing, says Simone. Related, an introvert may help bring more calmness to an extrovert’s life.
Whether it’s related to differences in cultural background, hobbies, types of friends, career choice, or temperament, the key is to appreciate the differences and not try to mold your partner to be just like yourself, says Hecker. “It’s important to have mutual respect,” she adds.
The bottom line is this: When looking for a lifelong partner, make sure you are envisioning the same future and that the things in life that matter most to you also matter to your significant other. But if your partner prefers a lazy Saturday while you prefer to spend it at the Club, or if they’re from a big family while you’re an only child? That doesn’t matter as much, as long as you appreciate the differences instead of getting hung up on them. With that in mind, you can live happily ever after.