Don’t let the stress of planning elaborate celebrations ruin your holiday season.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year — supposedly. Kicking off with Thanksgiving gatherings and extending all the way to New Year’s Eve, the festive season is packed with frivolity and, as it turns out, high levels of stress.
As reported by Harvard Medical School, a 2015 survey conducted by Healthline found that 62 percent of respondents described their stress level as “very or somewhat” elevated during the holidays, with only 10 percent reporting no stress during the season. A more recent 2021 Sesame Care survey showed that three in five Americans feel their mental health is negatively impacted by the holidays.
It’s a concern that Jelena Kecmanovic, Ph.D., the founder and director of Arlington/DC Behavior Therapy Institute and an adjunct professor at Georgetown University’s Psychology Department, says is common for many of her clients.
“I can tell you that between the beginning of November through Valentine’s Day is always when we see a real uptick in calls at my practice,” she says. “Part of it is the change of season — we know how much the lack of light and shorter days impacts moods — but I know that another big factor is the anticipation of the holidays and anxiety around it.”
It doesn’t help that the holiday season lasts, in some cases, a full two months in the U.S., thanks to the pressure to start party planning the moment November arrives, or that social media has become awash with picture-perfect (and increasingly elaborate) holiday celebrations. And those photos build on top of a legacy of idealized images projected for decades by movies and network TV shows, says Kecmanovic. According to Kecmanovic, concerns around family dynamics, which are a far cry from those of the Baileys in It’s a Wonderful Life, are a significant source of holiday stress.
“I would say that people who are particularly vulnerable to holiday stress or anxiety are those who come from — or have significant others with — families with a lot of diversions in political, social, religious, and lifestyle views and values,” she explains. “It has been a big theme for a while, particularly since the 2016 presidential election, where feelings have become much more intensified. And then there are obviously those who come from experiences of real trauma, where the challenges of being around the family [are] especially difficult.”
This adds another layer of stress on top of the pressure that folks already put on themselves to execute their idea of a “perfect” holiday season, a stressor that especially affects those burdened with the role of host.
Generally speaking, expectations are the biggest enemy in terms of enjoying anything.
“Generally speaking, expectations are the biggest enemy in terms of enjoying anything,” says Kecmanovic. “There’s an area of research around something we call emotional forecasting, which is basically when we forecast how we’ll feel if something happens and then [make] plans based on those forecasts. When those plans don’t end up giving the joy or outcome we anticipated, that’s when we feel disappointment.”
Fundamentally, this cycle is based on people’s inability to accept how much is beyond their control, especially during the holiday season.
“You want it to be beautiful, for the food to be great, for everyone to be happy and connected,” explains Kecmanovic. “It’s such a tall order, and it’s really difficult when you’re trying to work up to a rigid idea of perfection you have in your head. Something is going to go wrong. Shooting for something to go exactly as planned is a recipe for disappointment.”
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With that in mind, Kecmanovic’s first recommendation for minimizing seasonal stress is to free yourself from preconceived notions of what the holidays should look like.
“Let go of rigidity, of the expectations for things to be perfect as you’ve imagined them or to go exactly as they have in the past,” she suggests. “Be open to doing things differently, especially if doing things the same old way seems to predictably result in a lot of stress and conflict.”
Once you’ve blocked out those old, unachievable expectations, Kecmanovic recommends mulling over what, exactly, would make the holidays enjoyable for you. Then, base your plan around prioritizing the activities and people that really matter to you. While you still won’t be able to control everything that happens, it’ll allow you to focus your efforts and actions around the moments that truly resonate.
“Bringing an attitude of curiosity and wonder and focusing on what you can control — your behaviors — is the most important,” says Kecmanovic. “If you value connection with people, then you need to think about how you can best set up to achieve that. Maybe there’s a family member you want to connect with more. See how you can use the opportunity of the holidays to do that. For example, think about the questions you could ask that will be an expression of your real interest in getting to know them.”
By making this mental list of priorities, you’ll be liberated from the typical stress you feel surrounding aspects of the holidays that aren’t deeply connected to your identity. After all, “if you don’t care about cooking, what does it matter to you if your family or guests judge you for using caterers?” says Kecmanovic.
It’s all about setting yourself up for success. If coordinating all the food makes you feel overwhelmed, try having multiple family members contribute. If, for whatever reason, you’re not in a position to host this year as you’ve done in the past, then don’t force yourself to. And if you know that it can aggravate potential family conflicts, limit the amount of alcohol you have available in your home.
When it comes to dealing with tricky family members, Kecmanovic says that it’s all about knowing when not to engage. “While you can as a family agree to avoid topics that you know will cause division at the dinner table, if there are people who tend to be aggressive with their views, you just have to practice non-engagement,” she adds. “For people like that, even negative attention can reinforce the behavior. Instead, you can say a phrase like, ‘I prefer to not discuss that topic,’ and say it again and again, and, eventually, the conversation can truly move on.”
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If they keep pushing, give yourself permission to take a pause, whether that’s going to the bathroom or taking a quick walk outside for a breather. “But don’t just leave,” says Kecmanovic. “Express that you’ve explained that you don’t want to engage and that you’re going to excuse yourself for a moment and hope that when you get back you can move on to topics that everyone will enjoy.”
Ultimately, Kecmanovic notes that exploring the triggers for your stress and doing the work outside of the festive period will always help you better manage — and enjoy — the holidays.
“Holiday stress is an exacerbation of underlying stress, where it all comes to a head because suddenly you’re dealing with a lot of anticipation and a gathering of people who may not actually be used to spending that much time together, “ she says. “Just remember: Joy, playfulness, and flexibility — that’s the name of the game.”