Learn how to create meaningful connections that make you feel less isolated in a crowded room.
Experiencing sporadic bouts of loneliness is a normal and common human experience. But when it becomes a consistent, significant part of your everyday life, it can impact your physical and mental health, increasing your risk of heart disease, stroke, dementia, depression, and anxiety, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Despite this, a state of loneliness remains prevalent in the U.S. In a 2023 Gallup survey, 17 percent of U.S. adults (44 million people) regularly felt “a lot of loneliness” — which the American Psychological Association defines as “discomfort of uneasiness from being or perceiving oneself to be alone or otherwise solitary.”
So, it’s easy to presume that loneliness correlates to not spending enough time with other people. However, a recent study in the Journal of Research in Personality found that people who spend a lot or very little time alone (i.e., you spend the majority of your time around people) experienced the most significant loneliness. For those who spend less than 25 percent of their day alone, “think of it as feeling lonely in a crowd. You can have a lot of contact with others or be in a committed relationship and still feel lonely,” says Cat Moore, the director of belonging at the University of Southern California and the founder of The Belonging Studio.
Interestingly, the study also showed there could be a “right” amount of loneliness. It found that spending a moderate amount of time alone (approximately 25 to 75 percent of waking hours) was associated with comparably low rates of loneliness. After all, it’s normal to sometimes want to be alone to spark creativity, reflect on your thoughts, and relax.
But when there’s unwanted loneliness, you can let your longing for deeper connection be a sign to engage in authentic exchanges with others — and take better care of yourself.
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The Causes of Loneliness
You can experience loneliness for various reasons, and there’s no single cause. It's difficult to pinpoint direct correlations, as it’s a subjective feeling that can't be measured. “I’d say that the constant access to the news cycle is a big factor. The constant exposure to crises around the world can make people panic and feel alone,” says Moore.
Studies show that younger people in particular are more prone to feeling lonely with the use of social media — focusing on growing networks of “friends” that don’t have depth or quality.
Further, “it’s safe to say the social aftereffects of the pandemic have liquidated the social landscape permanently,” says Moore. Though the protocols around social distancing and quarantining from the COVID-19 pandemic have loosened, “I think people made many permanent changes with how they relate to people, who they relate to, at what level, and at what frequency,” says Moore. “The pandemic rearranged our priorities, and we were forced to re-evaluate and pioneer our social lives from scratch.”
How to Cope with Loneliness
Rather than focusing on a single solution, the best cure for loneliness will be a combination of tactics, and it will take some trial and error to figure out what works for you. Here are ways that can contribute to your ongoing process of intentionally building your relationships with others and yourself.
Build your “nest.”
Instead of focusing on the quantity of your relationships, “direct that energy to quality and nurturing, meaningful connections,” says Moore. “I use the image of a nest that has breadth and depth. The top of the nest has your weak-tie relationships — the people you see regularly, perhaps at the grocery store or your local barista. They’re acquaintances to whom you don’t spill your darkest secrets, but they play a huge part in creating a sense of place,” she says.
The breadth of your nest refers to the range of relationships that add variation and perspective to your life. “For example, if you’re a single mom, not every single one of your friends are going to be single moms,” says Moore.
The bottom/middle of the nest is your strong-tie relationships. “These are the people that know everything about you,” says Moore. “You can’t realistically handle more than three to five people at this depth, as few people have the bandwidth. It doesn’t mean you maintain them all the same way, but these are the people — which can include your mental health professional — that give you a sense of belonging, comfort, and support.”
Find a workout group.
Though plenty of workouts like yoga help integrate your mind and body, there’s a particular benefit to group fitness classes, including those offered at your Equinox Club. “Those synchronized motions fast track your feelings of connection and belonging,” says Moore. “It has to do with seeing yourself syncopated with other people in the same environment. When you’re with other people in this type of social experience, all the senses in your body are getting that feedback that you’re not alone.”
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Find your passions.
Not everyone wants to make small talk in a coffee shop. Luckily, there are ways to tap into self-discovery that can contribute to a more fulfilling, connected life. “If you’re creative, connecting to the arts and its imaginary realism through music and cinema can make you feel connected. Lose yourself in a book where a character is going through what you’re going through. Hiking and being out in nature can give you a level of belonging when you see yourself as part of a larger ecosystem,” says Moore.
It’s worth remembering that loneliness doesn't necessarily need to involve partnering with someone or latching on to a new buddy. “I think people need to relieve themselves of the pressure of feeling like they need to find a friend ASAP to feel a sense of belonging,” says Moore. “Start where you can and want to start. It really depends on your degree of loneliness, how long you’ve been experiencing [it], and how ready you are to put the time and effort in.”