Get more comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Most people spend at least 40 hours per week — let’s face it, often more — interacting with colleagues and bosses in Zoom meetings, on Slack, or in person at the proverbial water cooler. And yet, research shows that most folks are not talking enough at work, an issue that has led experts to voice concerns about a disconcerting “conversation gap.”
They’re not talking about the small talk you make after a long weekend, but rather, the kinds of conversations that tend to make you squirm: telling a colleague or leadership that you disagree with an idea, asking for a raise despite a possible recession, or communicating with a co-worker who’s just blown a fuse. Those conversations matter more than ever — and everyone is having less of them.
The Rising Cost of the Conversation Gap
Even before 2020, which undeniably affected social skills, a conversation gap was brewing in workspaces across the U.S. A 2019 study found that seven out of 10 people admitted to avoiding difficult conversations at work, and more than 50 percent of respondents said that they preferred to handle “toxic work situations” by ignoring them.
However, according to conflict management experts who observe workplace dynamics every day, recent years have only exacerbated the situation.
“You could describe the entire workday as a series of difficult conversations, right? The problem is that, as a collective, we’re coming into those moments depleted now,” says Malika Begin, founder and CEO of Begin Development, a firm that has worked on building company culture with brands like SKIMS, Delta Airlines, and BOND Entertainment. “Some might say that’s always the case, but I don’t think so. We’re in a post-COVID world, where there are industry strikes, dips in stocks, constant talk of recession. And so we’re coming to work with less of a reserve of energy, less hunger, and less curiosity. None of that bodes well for difficult conversations.”
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That silence leads to more significant issues over time, including dysfunctional dynamics between leadership and employees. “The biggest mistake people make [with conflict as work] is that they avoid it,” says Laura Crandall, owner of Slate Communication and the author of “Working with Humans: Tools You Didn't Know You Needed for Conversations You Never Expected to Have.” “Issues simmer and then the difficult conversation is no longer about the topic but the buildup of avoidance, which makes people even more awkward and upset — and increases confusion and anger simultaneously and at top speed.”
This vicious cycle can affect team morale, build distrust between leadership and employees, and, Begin argues, directly correlate with a revenue loss.
“One of the conversations I often have [with clients] is about conflict and ROI. When we’re avoiding conversations or dealing with tension at work, we call out more. We spend more time dealing with conflict each week, meaning we spend less time on other work,” she says.
In fact, according to 2022 research by the Meyers-Briggs Company, the time managers spend addressing conflict at work each week is over four hours, doubling since 2008.
When we are curious about each other, we can have a really good hard conversation.
How to Use the Tension to Your Advantage
Like any problematic dynamic, the conversation gap brings great opportunity for those willing to push past discomfort. “If you can pull yourself out with a little awareness of what's really going on in the realm, and you can be above the problem or help the problem or even be the person who relieves any of the problem, you can make a mark as a high-achieving leader,” Begin says. “When there’s conflict, people are in pain. If you're a person who can help reduce any of that pain, you have a huge opportunity to shine.”
There’s undoubtedly an art to conflict management, and some people come naturally to it. Still, Begin says people rarely realize it’s a skill you can intentionally strengthen — similar to training your body at Equinox. “Just like training muscles takes time and repetition, you’ll need to put in the work — you’ll need to work on your self-awareness, your curiosity, your openness. You can’t change the other person you’re having a conversation with. What you can improve is how you show up,” she says.
Step 1: If Possible, Come Rested and Prepared
“Organize your thoughts and your feelings (yes, your feelings) before you begin,” says Crandall. “Taking time to reflect on the specific issue and your own expectations makes the conversation more grounded from the beginning.”
Begin agrees. “So much of our work right now is collaborative, which means that sometimes you’re on back-to-back Zoom calls all day. That’s not the ideal time to have a hard conversation. You need to have the space to prepare yourself mentally — you’re probably not going to be in a very present place where you’re acknowledging your own discomfort.”
Keep in mind that there’s often less urgency to have the conversation than you think — provided the pause is coming from the right place. Crandall likes to remind people that it doesn’t have to happen all at once. “Conversations and resolutions often evolve over time. The whole situation may take more than one conversation to settle,” she says.
Step 2: Stay Open (It’s Harder than You Think)
Never approach arguments (or any complicated discussion) as a win-lose binary. “There isn’t a winner in a conversation,” says Crandall. “What you want is clarity about information and to agree on the next step.”
Instead, focus on listening — deep listening — to help drive a more open conversation. “When we are curious about each other, we can have a really good hard conversation,” Begin says. “As soon as we start feeling more closed or want to teach someone something, the conversation suffers.”
When working with new clients, Begin often employs a simple exercise with a whiteboard: She draws two people sitting on one side of the table. “The idea here is that those two people are attacking the problem, as opposed to two people sitting on either side of the table attacking each other,” she says.
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Step 3: Keep Personality Type in Mind
One of the leading causes of conflict is personality clashes. Everyone has a different working style; sometimes, those styles mix like oil and water. To help offset this, Begin says that it’s crucial to fully understand your strengths (and weaknesses) and recognize that the person on the other end of the conversation has their own set.
“I may be all about inspiration and big-picture thinking, and this poor engineer is trying to battle me down with facts and figures and things that don't really resonate with me. We're approaching the project totally differently,” says Begin. “A little awareness right there about how you can better orient yourself, how you can use your own strengths and invite them to use theirs, can help diffuse the situation.”
Step 4: When in Doubt, Take a Break
The moment you start to sense things getting heated, it’s time to pause. Crandall says this is admittedly harder to recognize than you would expect. One sign to look for is a feeling of pushing.
“Speaking directly and kindly (this is not the same as ‘nicely’) can often hold the attention of the people involved. But pushing can imply resistance,” she says. “If any of the parties (you included) shut down or become unhelpfully argumentative, that can be a good indicator that it is time to stop for a bit.”
Step 5: Just Try
No one’s perfect, and no one will have a challenging conversation perfectly. But anything is better than nothing.
“People are conflict-averse right now. They’re tired. They don’t want to dive into it because they fear they’ll make it worse. And my answer is, it will get worse,” says Begin. “Listen well; solve together well. The only way it might get better is to try and problem-solve together.”